But you knew that already didn't you? I found out a few years ago when a member of our extended family informed me that I was passive-aggressive. That person was correct, but it still hurt! Wish there was a nicer term for it. Or is that just being passive-aggressive?
A difficult thing about being passive-aggressive (OK, let's just call it p-a from now on) is that even when I think I might be able to stand up to someone and tell them how I really feel, I can't because I won't ever get over it. I think the more straight-forward people can tell it like it is and then it's all over. It's out, it's discussed, it's over, let's move on. I envy people who feel that way, I really do! But for me, even when something is out, discussed, and over I still can't move on.
Let's say Becky Sue (not her real name) has an issue with me and she tells me about it and we work through it. Once that is over she is just fine with us and figures I'm fine with us too. Now, pretend I have the issue with Becky Sue and finally get the guts to talk to her about it. We talk--maybe she's even proud of me for finally saying something-- and in the end everything is fine. Or is it? She's feeling fine. We got it out in the air and now we're done. Good. But for me, I'm not going to let it go. It's not that I don't want to, I just can't seem to! My mind just doesn't work that way.
Now here's where I really become p-a. Someone is saying things that frustrate me. Instead of saying something to that person and seeing if we can work something out or agree to not discuss it again, I start feeling like I just want to avoid that person. I want to avoid the inevitable---the topic that always seems to come up. And it feels like the only way to do it is to avoid the whole situation---which includes that person. The topic isn't one we are likely to agree on, nor are either of us likely to sway the other. Unfortunately, I always feel like the bad guy in these discussions--that I am at fault due to association with the topic.
Arrrgghhh!
So the next time it comes up, can I just say, "y'know, whenever we talk about this I get uncomfortable. Can we just agree to not bring it up around each other?" What do you think? Will that work? Or will she want to delve even deeper and try to discover why I feel that way. Because that would just bring to the forefront the problem I have to begin with---my inability to confront.
I'm just not going to win here am I? No matter what I'm going to make myself feel bad. Bad because I won't confront it and bad because I'll let her continue to say things that (unknowingly to her) hurt me.
OK, so somebody just tell me it will all be OK! C'mon, hurry up!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Joy,
I read through your last posting, and I find it pretty interesting because I'm on the other side of the coin. I can confront, deal and move one. Unless...I feel like the conversation ended and I wasn't heard. Then I am like you and have a hard time letting it go. Do you think that is ever the case with you?
Resolution is only resolution if you can come to some sort of middle ground or agreement...even agreeing to respectfully disagree. If there is a way to work these situations out with "Becky Sue" then in the long run, you will much be happier. The other alternative may leave you feeling a bit lonely.
One more thing: I have certian friends in my life that I hold at a distance. They are a lot fun on a social level, but I make a point to avoid deeper conversation with them due to the difference in our beliefs and value systems. Maybe it's just a matter of compartmentalizing (sp?) your friendships to avoid these uncomfortable situations.
I hope this helps a bit, even though I'm taking a wild stab at all of this. And I hope you feel better. Jason and I love you guys tons and we don't want our Happy Happy Joy Joy to feel bummed out. Take care!!
Post a Comment