Don't even bother reading this one.

Aaaaarrrrrggghhhhh!

Tonight I laid on the kitchen floor. Crying. I had rented movies. Movies I wanted to see, and had planned on watching one tonight. But instead I was on the floor crying. How does a professional find a job? I went to www.monster.com ('cause it gets all the commercials) but there are so many headhunters on that site that you don't know what you are getting into. I'm just trying to find something new. I don't even care where we live, we just need to start fresh. I love this house. I love these neighbors. But above all I want my family back. I want our family of four plus a dog and a cat (yes, I realize there are chickens, but they just don't feel like an integral part of our family---heck, we don't even eat that many eggs) back. That's all. Actually, no, that's not all. I want my family back and I want us to be in control. Have an opinion about how we are doing things? Keep it to yourself!!!!!! Yes, Justin works a lot. Buck up 'lil trooper! Think his company is taking advantage of him? Maybe you don't truly know what is going on. Think you know what's best for Justin? Know what's best for us? WRONG!!!!!! Yes I'd like to have my family back and completely in tact. Yes I'd like Justin to have the girls and then have me completely fall off the face of the planet. But unfortunately none of that is happening right now. Deal. With. It. (and that goes for me too)

Shit. Now I'm crying again. Yes, I know other people have it worse. I may be a "single mom" but it's not permanent. We are still married. Yeah, my husband's job situation isn't ideal--but at least he has a job! I know I know. I can't/shouldn't complain. All I'm going to do is make people feel bad. Do you think having me tell this to Justin will make him feel better about what is going on? No!! He'll feel worse and then I'll feel like a complete and utter piece of crap for even having brought it up. I'm starting to feel the way I did pre-medication. But with more emotions. shit again.

Disclaimer: Yes, I know that people I know and love will be reading this. That was the big struggle I had in the beginning. "Do I allow people I know to read this blog or not? I mean, it's not exactly like a diary where I can write in it and lock it up so no one else can read it. Even someone I know could randomly stumble across this blog. Might as well just tell people it exists in the first place." Please, either read the title and stop there (but if you did, you wouldn't be here right now) or read it and take it with a grain of salt. This time tomorrow I could be totally fine. Who knows!

I thought I was finally happy. Like I finally mattered. Like people would actually care--and maybe even liked me. Now that I've gotten to that place I want out.

OK. Deep breath. Have you read this far? Congratulations. Or not. Either way, I have to say I'm feeling better. I guess that's part of what I thought of when I started this blog--it's a way for me to vent. Unfortuntately it's also a way for me to let friends and family know what's going on in our lives. So you read waaaay too much about me tonight. Deal with it. However you want to, just deal with it. Pretend you stumbled across the blog of some unknown person and that's what you are reading right now. Please.