Just another entry

Take a look at the date on this photo. What's with snow in April????

The snow is gone and today we have rain. Wow, it could almost feel like we're back "on the coast". Except for the lack of trees.

Last weekend we went to an auction. I bought a Bunco Party for 20 couples. I don't even know 20 couples around here! I'll definitely need to import some when the time comes for the party. It's one of those things that sound like it would be a lot of fun, but then when I really start thinking about it (after I buy it of course) it doesn't look quite as good.... Where could I host an event with that many people? We would need some tables. And who the heck could I invite? And what would we do with the kids while it's going on if we have it here? Oh well. It's not like I have to figure it out right away.

Emma and I had a difficult morning. Audrey got up first and was in the tub. I finally roused Emma and told her to get her clothes together, brush her teeth, etc while Audrey finished and then she could take a shower. Of course I had a screaming urge to use the bathroom, so wasn't around to supervise. I came out and Emma is lying on the couch with the flashing Rudolph nose on (Justin found it in the pocket of the coat he's wearing in the picture---wonder when he last wore it) (the jacket, not the nose). I started pulling the nose off her and the strap must have caught on her earring and she started yelling that it hurt. She took it the rest of the way off and it went (further) downhill after that. Tears, yelling, "you're mean", "I want to go back to Bay View so I don't have to get up at 6" --um, you didn't get up at six it was after 6:40-- "well, in the sixes", begging for forgiveness, hugs and I love yous on the porch. Hopefully she'll feel better.

So a couple of weekends ago I had a breakdown. I have no idea what triggered it, but Justin found me in the back of the closet curled up on shoes. As you can imagine, it freaked him out considerably. Also our two friends who were over are now afraid to come back to our house. Of course Justin tried to talk to me about it the next day. He knows me better than that. Even if I knew what was wrong I probably wouldn't tell him. Because that would make it too real. And once something is said to another person I know that someone else knows, and I then have to try and go through life knowing that someone else knows something negative about me and I have to wonder how much that will color their perception of me and whether or not that knowledge will come back to bite me. This is why I chose to not confront or talk about a problem I have with somebody directly to that person. If we don't talk about it, I can assume that they are over it or were never bothered by it in the first place. Right? Completely screwed up thinking, I know. But it's the only thought I have.

Anyway, the other day it dawned on me that a large part of why I behaved the way I did was hormonal. There still must have been something to trigger it, but I haven't remembered that. (And no, I'm not trying to.) I miss the days when I was on The Pill. My body just chugging right along. Then after Justin had the Big V I stopped taking them. And I discovered ovulation. And it hurt!! Well, it no longer hurts, but looking back over the past few months I realized that my "PMS" feelings occur during ovulation. Not always to that awful extent Thank God, but at least I can warn Justin ahead of time.

OK, so has there been anything good lately? I guess I'm just feeling bogged down in the bad stuff right now. I really should blog when I have something good happen. How many times have I thought, "ooh, I need to write about that in my blog" and then by the time I do, I've forgotten what it wanted to share.

We went to a movie last Sunday. Nim's Island. It was pretty good. There was a lot of information and character development in the beginning. And then it felt like the director decided that they needed to hurry up and end the movie because it's a kid's film and they can only hold their attention for so long. So the end seemed a bit abrupt. But by then Audrey was squirming in my lap and saying she wanted to go home so it was OK to end. We very rarely go to movies. The last one we saw with the girls was The Game Plan, I went to a movie with a friend a while ago (I haven't done that in nearly 20 years---I've never really had the "let's go to a movie" friendship I guess), and I have no clue what the last movie was that Justin and I saw in the theater. There are a few out or coming soon that look good. Maybe I can convince Justin to take me to one. Ooh, maybe this weekend! I'll have to see. Wish me luck.

I got a call last night asking if I would help serve lunch at school today. Normally lunch is served by 3rd and 4th graders, but since they are taking the WASL this week the parents are stepping in. I signed up to help tomorrow, but was also a fill-in last Wednesday. I should probably work on taking a shower and getting dressed. But my robe is just so darn comfy! I don't need to be there until 11. Plenty of time!

No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head. ~Terry Josephson